I have this thing where if I'm after a serving of two minute noodles, I won't even wait those two minutes. If the situation is so bad that I am eating two minute noodles, then the kettle can jam it because I need a feed and I need it immediately. I'm not alone here - I eat them raw. "But Tasty!" I hear you cry, "That's nasty! it's... it's UN-NATURAL!" No shit! Of course it's un-natural! When was the last time you went for a drive through the countryside and saw Noodle Trees growing in the forest? You're eating a cake of wheat flour, vegetable oil and chicken salt. If you expect a delicious three course meal out of that bowl, seek help.
If you're eating instant noodles then you're already in a lose-lose situation. You might as well make it a consolation prize by chewing it like a sandwich. Let the crunchy, flavourless pasta dissolve in your mouth. Break the noodle-cake in half and pretend you are the Incredible Hulk. Wait -- what's this sudden explosion of sodium you are tasting? The chicken flavouring? You bet your ass it is! The packet says 'Instant Noodles' on it for a goddamned reason. I shouldn't have to boil a jug of water and stir, serving with or without broth as desired. It's the year two-thousand-fucking-nine here! I want my meals heated with lasers!
CHIKKUN! Leeloo Dallas Multipass!Once you're done thumbing your nose at that barbaric water-boiling FOSSIL, simply finish off the noodle-cake, use your feet to flick the crumbs under the nearest furniture and you're ready to take on the day. If you find the noodles have turned into a lumpy paste in your mouth, swig down the water in the kettle and you'll be fine. I promise. If you decide to boil the water first then make sure you have a friend recording it on video because I am easily amused by people hurting themselves in the kitchen.
No comments:
Post a Comment