Ordering delivered food is interesting

Since I'm a 20-something guy living in a fairly interesting city, there is always going to be times when I'm feeling hungry, lazy or drunk (sometimes it's all three) and I can't be bothered to make proper food. This will most likely end up in me calling some nearby food joint and asking them to bring me food in exchange for money. What's that? Go outside and do some shopping? No thanks - I've got drunken mates over and I doubt they would see the fun side of "Yo, come over to my place. We'll play Xbox, play some music and then if you're lucky we'll go to Woolworths and hunt for specials on Continental Cup-A-Soup". We usually prefer the approach of "Dude, I've been drinking since 1pm. I'm hungry. BRING FORTH THE WHITE PAGES."

Now, I'm experienced enough to know that there are some numbers you need to have on speed dial. Those numbers are taxi companies, and takeaway places. The entire point of ordering a pizza from Dominos or chinese from The Golden Retriever is getting fed without walking outside, quickly. That's why the initial phone conversation is SO IMPORTANT. Luckily for me, my favourite chinese restaurant is always a memorable call.

Now, don't get me wrong. I love the chinese and their food, but this joint has stereotypes written all over it. It's a tiny little shop and I imagine their kitchen has one angry chinese chef wearing a white singlet and swinging a meat cleaver around. They're the best chinese place in town but explaining what you want to the girl on the phone is like negotiating a hostage rescue.

Girl: "CHINESE HEP ROO?"
Me: "Buh, wha-"
Girl: CAN I HEP ROO?"
Me: "Oh shit, sorry you startled me. Can I get a delivery please?"
Girl: "WHAT YOU LIKE" (Did I mention she talks loudly?)
Me: "Let's go with some dim sims, chicken omelette, and some mongolian beef. Oh, and 4 litres of coke. We're running out of mixers here. "
Girl: "THAT NO PROBLEM, BE THERE IN 45 MINUTE!" *hangs up*

I call back.

Girl: "CHINESE HEP ROO?"
Me: "Yeah it's me again - Just thought I'd let you know where I live so you can deliver the food."
Girl: "OH OK WHAT ADDRESS"
Me: "Wallaby St."
Girl: "WARRABY? THAT SPELL W-A-R-R-A-B-Y?"
Me: (Blown away) "Uh wow... no? W-A-L-L-A-B-Y."
Girl: "OK 45 MINUTE!"

Putting the phone down, it took me a few seconds for it to soak in that she actually swapped L's and R's while spelling something. I found that incredibly funny because that kind of thing just shouldn't happen. I mean, if you have a lisp do you thpell everything like thith?

Twenty minutes later I hear my doorbell ring. Turns out that famous Chinese efficiency is alive and well. Damn those guys are quick. I open the door, give the starving uni student delivery boy some cash, and run upstairs. I am victorious! I have ordered exotic cuisine!

Turns out the girl confused "dim sims" with "onion rings". No biggie.

The local pizza joint isn't anywhere near as precarious as that, but because pizza and beer go together so well it just seems like the natural choice. I used to order from my local joint all the time when I had friends over. And they are GOOD. So I found it a little bit creepy when I just had moved to a new unit and I ordered pizza for the first time. I opened the door and the delivery guy goes "Oh! hey dude. You moved house?"

Well shit - I might as well just open an account with them. BBQ CHICKEN OR DEATH!

Also, I don't actually live in Wallaby St. I'm doing the Internet thing where I hide my address in case one day a crazy woman shows up at my house wearing a wedding dress covered in motor oil or something. The street I used to live in DID have R's in it however. Shit, I mean L's. Damnit now I'm doing it.