Time out, people - It's time for a fucking history lesson. Today is an extremely important day for Australians everywhere as they remember a conflict which is often talked of, but almost never recognised. It is the 4th of March, which marks the 20th Anniversary of V-A Day, 1989. What's that? Victory in Asia Day? No. Wrong. Get the fuck out of here. It was Victory in America Day, which ended the Australian-American War.
Now it's quite possible you haven't heard that much about the Australian-American War (Or AA War for short), and that's because not only was the entire conflict strictly land based (which most believe is boring) but the war itself only lasted for 76 hours. It was primarily caused by tensions regarding the American VHS release of Crocodile Dundee II, which had been planned to include an alternative ending where Mick denounces his Australian citizenship and moves to America with Sue. The ending credits included shots of Paul Hogan singing 'God Bless America', which infuriated the Australian Department of Tourism.
Australian troops advance on El Paso, March 1989.Even after weeks of negotiations, diplomacy failed and Australian SAS troops began landing along the shores of California, Texas and New York City on the 1st of March. While initally met with fierce resistance from US forces, the Australian advance was helped by empathetic locals who were swooned by our smooth accents and packets of Tim Tams. After eight hours of American bloodshed, the US Government still refused to surrender, or reverse its decision on Crocodile Dundee II. It is hotly debated by historians that the Pentagon simply did not know what to do against a land based army that did not just stand still and wait to be shot (see the American War of Independance), although what they all agree on are the consequences of fucking with Australians.
Total War erupted between Australian and US forces in the early hours of March 3rd.
Within hours, Australian generals had green-lit the aerial deployment of koalas, kangaroos (including the infamous 5th Explosive Joey Battalion), wombats and even echidna espionage units over the front lines. The results were devastating - while it was common knowledge that koalas possess two sets of genitalia, it was not until March 3rd, 1989 that we learned koalas have the ability to fire a pistol with each hand. Echidnas stowed away inside ammunition boxes and mortally wounded any US solider reaching for another clip. Kangaroos bounded into enemy encampments and killed dozens of soliders single-handedly.
A member of the XVII Kangaroo Battalion clearing a building in Florida, March 3rd 1989.
A member of the XVII Kangaroo Battalion clearing a building in Florida, March 3rd 1989.Initial reports to come from the front lines all told the same story: Complete devastation. Sugar glider recon showed that for every marsupial that lay fallen, hundreds of fully-armed Americans would join him. In an ironic twist of fate, the US Army was now facing extinction.
Shortly after 2 A.M on the 4th March, US President George Bush attempted to call Prime Minister Bob Hawke to announce his country's unconditional surrender. Bush was put on hold and would be answered by the next available operator. After numerous phone calls to Telstra Directory Assistance, five hours on hold, and the phone numbers of Hoyts in Burwood, Sam's Hairdressing in Yagoona and Mrs. Yvonne Slater at 16 Carinya Way Goulburn, Bush finally managed to surrender to Australian Forces. Crocodile Dundee II was later released worldwide with the original ending intact.
While no official numbers have been released by either side, The death toll for the Australian-American War have been estimated as:
While not disputing the estimated death toll, the Korean American Historical Society released a report in 1995 claiming that 78,650 of the US casualties were caused by sleeping with their electric fans on.
Let us not forget those who fell in the AA War, or those still kept as POWs in zoos around America. We won't leave you behind.
Shortly after 2 A.M on the 4th March, US President George Bush attempted to call Prime Minister Bob Hawke to announce his country's unconditional surrender. Bush was put on hold and would be answered by the next available operator. After numerous phone calls to Telstra Directory Assistance, five hours on hold, and the phone numbers of Hoyts in Burwood, Sam's Hairdressing in Yagoona and Mrs. Yvonne Slater at 16 Carinya Way Goulburn, Bush finally managed to surrender to Australian Forces. Crocodile Dundee II was later released worldwide with the original ending intact.
While no official numbers have been released by either side, The death toll for the Australian-American War have been estimated as:
- United States - 997,450 dead, 36,700 wounded
- Australia - 18,200 dead, 5,100 wounded
- France - 0 dead, 2 wounded, Unconditional Surrender to Australia 2nd March
While not disputing the estimated death toll, the Korean American Historical Society released a report in 1995 claiming that 78,650 of the US casualties were caused by sleeping with their electric fans on.
Let us not forget those who fell in the AA War, or those still kept as POWs in zoos around America. We won't leave you behind.
People tend to forget the unusual propaganda campaigns that accompanied this conflict. I still recall that it was slightly odd the way Aggro of Aggro's cartoon connection would don an Australian flag, only play Australian cartoons (like the magic pudding) and spout anti-American slurs in the weeks leading up to the beginning of hostilitys. I also thought it was strange that Ray Martin started sneaking little Australian flags into his permanent plastic hairdo.
ReplyDeleteThen again, I was only four at the time.
I do think however that should Australia ever be involved in such armed conflict again, we have a distinct home ground advantage. Even with the various developments in military technology the world over, I don't think the yanks would stand a chance on Australian soil. Just about bloody everything here is trying to kill you, so between the spiders, snakes, sharks, crocs, koalas, roos, emus and other aggro wildlife (sheep and cattle), climate and landscape, I reckon they'd be knackered. Just as well, 'cause we don't want the buggers down here trying to water down our beer.