Thursday, March 12, 2009

We Were All Thinking It

As at least 6 people around this wide brown land would know, I'm a pretty multicultural kinda guy. I'll hang out with Belgians, Americans, Sudanese, even Brazilians (especially Brazilians) any day of the week. I can use chopsticks, I've been known to sing Irish drinking songs and I've even been involved in a knife-fight with a girl from the Phillipines. Which is why I'm still struggling to find out why I'm so touchy about the Japanese.

Now don't get me wrong, I love the Japanese. They're a polite and technologically advanced people. Show me any activity on Earth and I could find a Japanese person who has dedicated their life to perfecting it. But to be honest, I think I'm developing a love/hate relationship with the place. I really want to visit, but I'm not quite sure what I'll find there.

Here are a few Japanese things that we should all be thankful for:

- Robots
- Takeshi's Castle
- Street Fighter 4.

A wide and varied selection by any means. However for every yin, there is a yang, and this brings me to the crux of this blog post. Japan has some seriously strange shit that it's responsible for.

Here are a few Japanese things which frighten me:

- Cat weight lifting
- Dressing girls up as baby seals and baiting killer whales with them
- Sony Corporation, Ltd
- Robots
- Basically all of their pornography

Why is it that every fucking time somebody pushes the envelope, Japan just waltzes in and launches the envelope across the stadium like a human cannonball? Of all things, I'll draw your attention to tasteful photography. Most people could easily find a nice nude shot of an attractive girl artistic (email me, it's for ART) but then some visionary in Japan decided to summon all the rage of his samurai ancestors and bring us this:

WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK

Is this considered art? Social commentary on the plight of tentacled monsters everywhere? I know the Japanese seem to love their tentacles (I'm not fucking going there) but this is just... wow. THEY ARE WEARING OCTOPUSES. Or is that octopi? I don't know. Fuck you, I'm dealing with emotional trauma right now.

The only way this photograph could get worse is if it was a candid shot, and not staged at all.
"Oh hey Natsuki, what's happening?"
"Oh, just wearing an oct... OH HEY I LOVE YOUR OCTOPUS HAT!"
"I love yours too! Which flavour did you get?"
"Oh, salt and pepper squid."

I'm going to stop with the virtual conversation there because... look, I don't need an excuse. LOOK AT THAT SHIT. I could keep on giving examples all day, but I'm sure you don't want that kind of burden on your mind, because the above image is nothing compared to some of their other ideas. I really don't want to bow and shake hands with the guy who thought gymnastics equipment was sexy enough to be involved in hardcore pornography. To all the girls reading this (remember: for art) - remember the last time you went to the uh, ladie's doctor, and he pulled out those salad tong looking things? Substitute that with a POMMEL HORSE

Images not to scale

Now it's not the first time this has happened apparently, but World War II taught us that some things should never be repeated. I'll be starting a support group for everyone who has been exposed to Random Horrific Japanese Stuff over the next week or so. I just hope you all don't get flashbacks the next time you meet a Japanese exchange student at the pub. Sorry Tomiko - you were great fun but that twitching wasn't because I had something in my eye AT ALL.

3 comments:

  1. Wow, man you just... Hmm.

    Just focus on the positives - Kendo, delicious food, robots (the good ones), Nintendo and Samurai/Ninjas (and their associated movies).

    I can definitely say this: go. You will not be disappointed. Also, you will (sadly) not be attacked by Godzilla/Gamera/Mothra or any other beastly leviathan (though I'm confident you have the sword skills necessary to handle such a beast).

    You really do have to go looking for this sort of weird shit, same as you would anywhere else in the world. It's just that the internet has given the creepy basement-dwellers of Japan somewhere to meet and pat each other on the back/crotch without having to leave the house. Then creepy basement dwellers elsewhere in the world pick up on and say 'Oh those crazy Japanese guys', whilst thinking 'man, I wish I'd thought of that first'.

    And that's how 4chan was born.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Dude I'm a Korean-Aussie and I couldn't understand Japanese culture if I tried.

    I think the worst Japanese porn I have ever seen (shown by an ex boyfriend, thanks darl) involved one girl shoving a tube into another girls arse then putting little fish through it. Then the other girl stood up and made the fish come out.

    Though the fart fetish one a friend (thanks again) showed me was pretty fucked too. It involved Japanese schoolgirls running up to a dude, farting into his face, giggling and running away. He loved it.

    Whyyyyyyyyy. If a guy wanted me to shit fish and fart at him I would probably remove his penis with a hammer. Friggin Japan.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hello, I have seen this "sick" xxx vodeo, I still have some copies, you want it? please contact me.

    ReplyDelete