Monday, April 6, 2009

I'm absolutely NOT an internet gangsta

Facebook is one of those sites that polarises everyone that visits it. They either love it like I do, hate it like I do, or simply don't get it... like I do. It really depends on when I'm visiting and what kind of nonsense I'm accosted with upon my arrival to the main page. I find it therapeutic to e-stalk friends, people I've met in bars and even that funny-smelling kid at school that now earns more that I do. What I do NOT find therapeutic is the fact that all of the aforementioned groups of people have this crazy idea in their head that I want to join in on their Norwegian goat-herding simulation, or that I have ignored the past 438 Mafia Wars invites because theirs is THE ONE.

Newsflash, genius. It's not. I go onto Facebook to get in contact with people. I don't visit the site and think to myself "Well, shit. You know what I'm missing out on in life? All this time, I've wanted to know what kind of Hepatitis I am. I'm counting the days until some guy who lives in his parent's garage formulates the correlation between Hep C and answers to an internet quiz. While I'm there, I saw that Jimmy has built a city in his virtual country. I really feel sorry for what I did to him all those years ago... I'll enlist in his virtual army and squabble with other internet nerds IN HIS NAME."

Does ANYBODY ELSE see how incredibly fucking stupid this is? When I log into the site I will undoubtedly be eye-raped by multiple invitations over shit I will never care about. The worst thing about it is that nobody seems to understand that I do not give an e-shit about their virtual crime family. Even the wording of the invitations tries to piss me off. Hi, I made an [object] in [fucking stupid Facebook application] and I thought of you because we connect on a spiritual level. I went and hand-invited all 7,400 of my friends, most of which I've never met before in real life, because I absolutely believe you'll enjoy it. No, fuck you, die in a fire, it was a 'Piss Off Everybody' button you clicked because if you did click it, you got a bonus mug of snake piss to drink in your virtual harem. Patronise me like that again and I'll break your face. Stylishly. Like this motherfucker here:

Morpheus didn't believe the latest round of chain emails. Joke's on you, Baldy!

I'm not joining your mob. I'm not a vampire, pirate or viking and don't want to fight the rest of them. I don't care one way or the other if I die not knowing which Days Of Our Lives character I am. If this offends you, get off my internet.

- Signed,
We the people.