Monday, September 28, 2009

Well this certainly won't go down well

As an Australian, I've seen many moments of national outrage unfold. Hey Hey It's Saturday being cancelled, Corey Worthington or whatever his name was, but I now hold a special place for every single man, woman and child who was at the Melbourne Cricket Ground during the first quarter break of the AFL Grand Final on Saturday when the name of the new Vegemite was announced.

There are a number of Americans who read this blog, so I'll describe it in a way you can relate to. Picture this in your head if you will (because I had to) - It's the Super Bowl. Biggest game of the year. Millions of viewers on television, and a stadium packed to capacity. It's the end of the first quarter and the crowd are getting into the spirit of things. Little Timmy is enjoying his first football game, and his father bought him an official jersey along with an overpriced snack and drink. Life is good. Everyone is enjoying themselves.

Trumpets echo around the stadium, and a strangely dressed man is lit up by spotlights as he proudly enters the stadium and walks onto the field. In one hand, a brilliantly white cloth. In the other, a golden cage with an American Bald Eagle. The crowd hushes. and Timmy has the feeling he is about to witness something special.

A drum roll begins as this man opens the cage and lifts the majestic animal onto his arm. With his one free hand, he undoes his pants. He then lifts the bird's tail up and begins fucking it up the ass. Several arkward minutes go by, the shocked silence broken only by the protests of the bird, and the crying of children. After the man is done, he wipes the eagle clean with the cloth, and throws it into the crowd, pumping his fist triumphantly into the air.

The crowd does nothing at the sight of this almost blasphemous act. They allow it to continue, and await the next quarter.

THIS is on par with the crowd's reaction when Kraft named the winner of the national 'Name the new Vegemite' competition. Almost 50,000 entries were sent in to name the next iteration of our national spread, and then Kraft fucked the proverbial eagle by calling it something even my eight year old niece laughed at...
'Proudly made in Australia?' I'm sure that's about to change.

When Kraft announced that the new Vegemite was now called iSnack 2.0, nobody did anything. Sure, the entire stadium booed, but there were no riots. THE STUPIDITY COULD HAVE BEEN QUASHED THEN AND THERE! But no, tens of thousands of people and not a single one decided to lead the people in a revolt against quite possibly the most retarded name for a product since... well, the dawn of time.

There are so many things wrong with what I just wrote down (the iSnack bit, although eagle-fucking came on a bit strong). Who the fuck thought that this was a good idea? Has some grossly overpaid, suit wearing shitbag received a bonus for approving this tripe? Kraft's Corporate Head Of Bullshit wrote that iSnack 2.0 personifies the spread's 'personal call to action' as the 'next generation Vegemite'. I don't know how much crystal meth those clowns have been smoking, but I'm quite sure that the entire country is laughing at them because of it. I'm not sure how easy it is to smash a bottle of iSnack 2.0 on the corner of a table and make a shank, but I'm seriously considering trying it out the first time I hear someone ask for it with a straight face. I asked Ms. Felicia about this debacle, and she responded with this tirade for us:

'iSnack. This would mean that not only is Kraft trying to pander (and fail) at reaching a generation, they also fail at realizing that this generation gives two shits about putting the letter 'i' in front of words. In actuality, this generation would rather have it be called 'tits', because let's be honest, who wouldn't want to have some tits on their toast in the morning. Or maybe 'thighs'. Spread some thighs on your breakfast. For breakfast. Whatever the fuck, doesn't matter any more because Kraft's gone and shit in their hands and smeared it all over themselves in a rain-dance of horribly epic proportions.

'OH GREAT MARKETING GOD, TELL US OUT OF THESE THOUSANDS OF SUBMISSIONS, WHAT WE SHOULD NAME OUR PRODUCT!' Someone farts, someone else misinterprets it as iSnack 2.0 (probably marketing), and they call it a day.

I hate the name, and I don't live anywhere near the continent of Australia. When I hear it, the name alone sends me into a mouth-foaming frenzy in which I stuff dried, rotten leaves into my mouth and find the nearest bar to drown myself in a giant vat of hot oil. Holy mother of fuck, what were they thinking.'

The guy who apparently entered the name into the competition, Dean Robbins, is apparently living in Western Australia after relocating from Melbourne. He has two loves in his life - his family, and Vegemite. I'm calling bullshit on this one, because nobody would do this to a product they love. The Vegemite (sorry, iSnack 2.0) website has a photo of this tosser with a giant shit-eating grin (Sorry, iSnack 2.0) holding up a jar of this horribly named, cream-cheese infused spread. He might as well just hold up a sign saying I JUST TOOK A ISNACK 2.0 ON OUR NATIONAL SYMBOL AND THE DICKHEADS AT KRAFT THOUGHT I WAS BEING SERIOUS.

I found this on the internet. It's a much better choice.

The more I hear about this guy, the more I'm convinced that he is now Australia's biggest troll. Instead of going on the internet and enraging a public message board for his own amusement, he's gone and pissed off an entire country. Dean Robbins, if you're reading this... You should have moved interstate AFTER they revealed iSnack 2.0, because now not only does everyone in this wide brown land want your blood, but they also know where you live.

Good luck with this one, champ. Serves you right for fucking our Bald Eagle.

19 comments:

  1. iSnack 2.0. Huh. I'm pretty certain that's gotta be making a few copyright infringements.

    Seriously, what a load of corporatised wank. Clearly, Kraft management don't know shit about Australia, anthropologically speaking. Actually, I'm not sure they even know where it is.

    Personally, I feel sorry for the factory workers that have to put up with making this gob-shite. They've gone from proudly turning out an Aussie icon in spread form to forcibly manufacturing a compressed shitstain-in-a-jar.

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  2. I wonder if the marketing team read this and slap themselves on the forehead... the eagle trick would have been much better

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  3. At least there's legislation to stop people raping wildlife.

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  4. I actually get the feeling he probably submitted the name as a bit of a joke, and then the crystal meth heads at Kraft thought it was a good way to a) get everyone pissed off and talking about it and b) "appeal to the new generation". Seriously, kids are just going to laugh in the face of this crap.

    Now that they picked his name as the winner, NOW he's dancing around and thinking he's awesome.

    iSnack 2.0. What a bloody embarassment.

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  5. It's an absolute joke of a name, a national, much loved Aussie icon, whose brand is being literally smeared with this new product.

    you can take a traditional long standing aussie icon, tweak the recipie and then give it an 'edgy' name.

    As an Aussie i am boycotting this product, cause the whole product and campaign is a load of shit

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  6. Great response to such a cock up. Maybe the Kraft Marketing dept should have learn't from Coke and their 'new' coke disaster.

    Screw with a favourite brand at your perile - as the backlash will surely turn you from the somebody getting a big bonus to somebody who is forced to take one for the team! (scapegoat alert - his name is Dean Robbins)

    Cheers for a great laugh. Maybe tone it down and sell it to Kotler et al for inclusion in the next Marketing Basic textbook to be taught to wannabe marketers.

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  7. iSnack 2.0 ... has a certain AMERICAN ring to it, doesn't it? (iPod, iPhone, I'll basically iEverything anyone?)

    If the marketing appeal of this product was to get American's interested by shoving an i in front of it, I don't think it's gonna work ... Instead, we've probably (actually, most likely) just become a nice big laughing stock.

    I hope Steve Jobs kicks up a stink about this iSnack bullshit ... pretty sure it's infringing more than one copyright laws/trademark laws. And if not, I guarantee the founder of Vegemite is rolling around in his fucking grave.

    iSnack 2.0? Might as well just called the product shit, dickwads.

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  8. You forgot the part where it's a russki doing the eagle-fucking.

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  9. i love the new version and eat it all the time. the new name does make it sound very wanky but there was actually a national competition to come up with the name, so someone's 8yr old neice probably did come up with it!!!! i always keep the old version on hand for those times when i need the ultimate salt lick but the new one has a place in my fridge.

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  10. ^^ Second positive comment I've seen on the entire thing. And I'm from the internet.

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  11. I will be taking requests as to what i should yell at the Kraft factory as a pass it each day. This morning was a simple FUCKING MORONS as it's Monday so bugger off.

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  12. Hi Josh, how's things at Kraft?

    No true Australian should ever consider touching this stuff and if the people who let the Vegemite brand by taken over by a mob of ignorant toe-rags from outside of Australia can be found they should be convicted of treason and gaoled for life on a diet of iShyte 2.01397864whatever.

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  13. Pah! to Vegemite being an Australian icon. For all except its first couple years it has been owned and produced by an American company.

    As to iSnack 2.0... Personally, I think that it should have been called iSpread 2.0 - that sends a much better message out to all concerned.

    Seriously though... it's _just a condiment_ - have a laugh and then feel free to ignore it :)

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  14. I like your blog very much.I'm waiting for your new post.
    Have a nice day.

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  15. as an Australian i have to say as a nation, everyone was dubious about the new vegemite. it took me a couple of months to try it, im a die hard vegemite fan and didn't think anything would stand a chance next to it so didn't bother. ended up trying it, and LOVE it, more than the old vegemite. HOWEVER i now refuse to buy it. what a load of shit name that makes me so angry, out of all the different names surely they had one that at least made sense! would be interesting to see the finalist list. You've pissed off alot of people Kraft. Trying WAY too hard. sad.

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  16. well i think it was a fantastic name. It was un Astralian to change its name

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